Have you ever thought back to your childhood? Take a minute to visit your memories. The times when you didn’t have to do anything, the world was new, and every day was a new adventure, so much better than having to go to school from 8-3 AND DEALING WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO JUST MAKE YOUR WHOLE LIFE MISERABLE! I HATE MY… uh, I mean, yes, a lot of people are in a hurry to grow up, but really, what’s the rush. You only have one childhood; you must enjoy it while you still can. I know this kid named, well, Kid, certainly knows how to rock his youth.
So, there was an 8 year old, Kid, who was walking around the park like any other child would. Just then he found a perfect person to make trouble with, Poor Man. “Ha ha, this looks like a dope who can get tricked by a flea, I’m going to need a bucket of Yak’s milk and a whoopee cushion”.
So, Poor Man adored the fall weather, as he was whacking a log with a stick. “You have out smarted me for the last time you stupid flea!”, shouted Poor Man, but then he heard a cry for help, “Don’t worry little kid, I’m coming to get help!”.
Poor Man then grabbed a basket as a helmet, and used the stick as a sword. “I’m going in!”, shouted Poor Man as he charged, but then Poor Man ran into a tree.
“Ugh, somebody put that there”, said Poor Man dizzily, then noticed Kid with a whoopee cushion, then Kid squeezed it, squirting yak milk in his face.
Poor Man was soaked! He hasn’t been this humiliated since yesterday! “Ha ha, got you loser”, teased Kid, “Maybe you should stick to the dog pound”.
Poor Man is now enraged. So, Poor Man grabbed Kid by the shirt and pinned him on a tree. “Where is your parents!”, demanded Poor Man.
An hour later, Poor Man was dragging Kid to a house by his neighborhood, and knocked on the door. So, a man answered. “Hello, my name is Mr. Stern, how may I help… what are you doing with my kid. You’re one of those kidnappers are you!?”.
“Oh, no, no, no!”, Poor Man tried to explain, but he was too late as Mr. Stern just punched him in the nose! “Wow, that hurt, look, your kid just squirted Yak’s milk all over me! And, do you know a doctor, I think it’s bleeding”.
“Oh, so sorry sir”, apologized Mr. Stern, but then he stomped his foot, “And that’s for tugging his shirt, it’s made of imported fibers, anyway, Kid, I shall bring you inside to discuss your punishment”.
“Ok dad”, said Kid gloomily, but as Mr. Stern left, Kid tackled Poor Man and held him by the neck.
“Look, you think you won going to my dad, you think you could outsmart me, well, I’m 8 and I’m smarter than you, and I’ll tell you this, I will get you, and when I do, you will wish your poor sap of a mother never gave birth to you”, threatened Kid as he started walking inside, “Watch your back”.
Poor Man, who just got beaten up, said, “I don’t think I’ll send Christmas cards to this family”.
So, Poor Man was walking home, with a tissue up his nose, when suddenly a truck came driving down the hill, barely missing Poor Man, and when it crashed into a boulder, luckily no one was driving, so it must’ve been pushed. Bad thing, is that if it was been pushed, they were trying to hit something, someone, Poor Man. So, a frightened Poor Man probed the truck, and what scared him was the company the truck was delivering for. “Kid’s Toys Incorporated”, stuttered Poor Man, just then he noticed an angry guy walking towards him.
“Hey, did you push my truck!?”, demanded the Man.
“Oh no, far from that, you see, someone pushed it and tried to get me, it was an 8 year old ki8d with a brain smarter than an average college student, and he’s trying to assassinate me, and”.
But as Poor Man was rambling, he noticed, surprisingly, that the driver didn’t believe him. “You need help man”, said the Driver as he clenched his fist, “Now, this’ll only hurt a lot”.
So, Poor Man came home, wanting to lie down, because he had a long and incredibly painful day. So, Poor Man took a nap, but, that’s when things started to get crazy. Poor Man was on a giant waffle, playing with a bunch of flowers, when suddenly, somebody took a bite of the giant waffle, and Poor Man watched in astonishment when he saw an even bigger Kid eating the waffle. He nibbled slowly, and slowly Poor man will run out of waffle and he will either fall in the hands of Kid, or fall! Then, right when Kid took the last bite, Poor Man was falling, when Kid caught him and put him in a far, and then he noticed Panda King, Rabbit King, and Snake King looking out the window. Poor Man called for help, but the jar was soundproof, then, Panda King, Rabbit King, and Snake King turned into dolls, which Kid then grabbed, stuffed them into a toy box, and grabbed the jar, about to put him under the bed. Poor Man screamed as everything went dark. Then, Poor Man found himself drowning in a lake, as Kid was on a boat, driving away, laughing. “I told you that you should’ve watched your back!”, shouted Kid as the boat grew out of sight and Poor Man was completely submerged.
Then, Poor Man woke up, and realized that the lake was really his sweat. “Wow, must’ve been a nightmare”, said Poor Man, “Ugh, pretty intense for a Poor Man cartoon, but I got time to break the fourth wall later, I got to get Kid out of my life before that really does happen”.
So, Poor Man thought on how he can do so. As embarrassing as it is to admit, Kid is a much stronger opponents then him. Why you may ask? HAVE YOU BEEN READING BEFORE, HE ALMOST GOT HIT MY A TRUCK! So, Poor Man decided that maybe a waffle might spark his one brain cell. But, when he opened the cabinet, there was Kid, who then electrified Poor Man with a shock pen, got out, smashed his toaster against some dishes, and ran out of the house. And when Poor Man looked inside, there was nothing, not even a single waffle.
The following is a phone call recorded by the police
Operator: This following is being recorded by the police, how may I help you?
Poor Man: This is an emergency, give me the police now!
Operator: Police? Ok, sure! Let me just get to them
(Phone rings) Operator: Oh, hello? Oh, hi Margaret, eh, nothing much, just working with some idiot with an emergency.
Poor Man: HEY, SHUT UP! GET ME TO THE POLICE NOW! I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY MARGARET! I NEED POLICE NOW! I’VE BEEN ROBBED AND THREATENED, SO TELL YOUR MARGERET TO BOTHER PEOPLE SOMEOTHER TIME!
30 minutes later: Poor Man: Hello, I’d like to try again, this is an emergency, give me the, wait, come in, it’s open, uh, who are you. What’s that, you’re name is Margaret. Oh Spoiled Turnips… AHHH! HELP! I’M BEING BEATEN UP BY A WOMAN! HELP! HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND ME!? AH!
Operator: I’m sorry, I do not speak Spanish, please call later
Poor Man: NOOO!
So, the police didn’t help, Poor Man got beaten up by 3 people in one day. Kid is starting to ruin his life… more! “Oh, what could make this worst!?”, cried Poor Man, but when he heard snapping, he shouted, “GO AWAY!”.
After a beating from the Zebra Gangsters, Poor Man was sitting in his Time Out corner only in his underwear thanks to the zebra gangsters. “Now sit here and think about what you’ve done”, said the chief as he walked away with a bag.
But, before the zebra gangsters left, Poor Man got an idea. “Wait!”, shouted Poor Man, “How do you get people to follow your orders and not let them run over you?”.
“Oh, easy, I beat them up”, replied the chief, “And Clio here robs them of their clothes”.
“He’s sick, but he’s Clio”, said Isaac.
“Besides that”, said Poor Man, “What makes you so flawless?”.
“Hm, Poor Man, add that to the calendar, that was your biggest word yet!”, teased the chief, “Anyway, it’s coolness. We just snap. If you do anything while snapping you can do anything. That’s how we do things”.
“Ok, how do you snap?”, asked Poor Man.
“Don’t ask me, we have no idea how it’s even possible, we have hooves!”, yelled the chief, “Figure it out, and put on some clothes”.
So they left, and Poor Man put on a shirt and pants, and then said, “Ok, snapping, I just got to think cool thoughts”.
So, Poor Man stared at the wall for 3 hours. Nothing happened, but 4 hours later, he got it! Poor Man then snapped, and then he said, “I’m cool, I’m bad, I can’t do it”.
But, Poor Man then said, “Wait, maybe if I get a lock of their fur and then I’ll become cool, but how am I going to do it?”.
So, it was night time, there were two more close calls, one with an angry beaver and another with Poor Man’s bedroom filling with yogurt, and Poor Man decided to do it. So, he clambered on to the top of a house, over the alley here the zebra gangsters sleep, and he tied a string around himself, and using it as a bungee cord he flung himself off, and used scissors to cut a lock of hair off of the chief, then he climbed up victorious and put it in his pocket. He suddenly felt like he could anything. It was working! He was going to stand up to Kid and save his own life. So, it was morning, and Kid woke up to play ball, so he went to his dad. “Dad, do you want to play ball?”, asked Kid.
“I’m sorry son, I’m way to busy, I got a teleconference with two thirds of the Yarn companies in Congo”, explained Mr. Stern, “Now, Kid, have you sent your application to your new high school?”.
“Dad, I was thinking that maybe I could stay where I’m at, it’s hard enough fitting in as an 8 year old in 8th grade”.
“Ha, that won’t help your future, the only reason for life is work, and you are the only one not to be spoiled by having free time, now, study your square roots, or you will have no supper for the next week”.
“Yes dad”, mumbled a broken hearted Kid.
So, Mr. Stern left and Kid sat on the ground. Then, Poor Man climbed over the fence with a pair of sunglasses and he was snapping. “Hey, Kid, give me your money”, said Poor Man, “Or stop bugging me, or I’m going to smack you with a tea leaf”.
“A tea leaf?”, asked Kid.
“Yea, I’m going to smack you with a tea leaf if you don’t leave me alone”, said Poor Man, “Because I’m bad, give me your money”.
“Poor Man, you’re kind of scaring me”, stuttered Kid, “Looks like my Toxic Fumes got released in his room early”.
“I’m cool”, said Poor Man, “I’m bad”.
The wind then blew at Poor Man, blowing away the lock of fur he collected, but he didn’t seem to notice. “You can’t touch this, and I work strictly cash, and I’m going to smack you with a tea leaf”.
Kid then rolled his eyes and said, “I had enough of this”.
“I said I’m cool!”, yelled Poor Man, “I’m”.
“Who said that”, asked Poor Man, right before he heard some more snapping!
Then, the zebra gangsters popped out of the bushes, and the chief, with a Band Aid wrapped around his tail, charged up to Poor Man and said, “What did you do to my tail, I woke up with 2 of my stripes missing!”.
“Oh, that explains the extra coloring”, stuttered Poor Man, but then remembered his coolness, “Now, go away before I whack you with a tea leaf”.
“That is it, I’m going to knock the cool right out of you!”, shouted the chief, with the other zebra gangsters restraining him, “Fine, I’m cool”.
“I’m bad”, finished Poor Man, when the zebra gangster chief tried to charge at him again.
“We’ll all be cool, and I’ll only beat you mildly if you give me my fur back, and Isaac can surgically put my tail back together”.
Then Isaac pulled out a role of tape and said, “Easy as rocket science”.
“Ok sure, fell lucky I didn’t get all tea leaf on you”, replied Poor Man, but when he reached inside his pocket, all he felt was some lint, a paperclip, and a piece of ham, “Uh oh, you see, I seemed to have lost that fur, so, would you take a ham?”.
The chief was enraged. “IT WAS HIS FAULT!”, shouted Poor Man as he was pointing at Kid, “HE THREATENED ME SO I HAD TO STEAL A LOCK OF YOUR FUR TO GAIN COOLNESS, PLEASE DON’T WHACK ME WITH A TEA LEAF, I LIED, I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TEA LEAF, I DON’T EVEN DRINK TEA!”.
Doug then whispered something in the chief’s ear, then the chief said, “Both of your faults, huh?”.
So, an hour passes and Kid and Poor Man were tied with tape against each other. “We’ll let you go when my tail grows back!”, shouted the chief, “Let’s go boys, we’re cool, Ow, we’re bad, Ow, we’re, Ow!”.
“I’m sorry Poor Man”, apologized Kid, “I just needed entertainment, father is always working and you’re the closest thing to a friend I ever had, if you don’t want to see me again, I understand”.
Poor Man was touched, but then he said, “Yes, I don’t want to see you again, but since we’re tied up, might as well become friends”.
“Friends?”, offered Kid.
“Friends”, replied Poor Man, but then Kid pulled out a pocket knife and cut his way out.
“We’re free!”, cheered Poor Man, “What do you want to do now, buddy”.
“Let’s play a game”, offered Kid.
“Sure, but you’re going down”.
“Nope, the other way around”, said Kid as he pulled out a remote and pushed a big red button, revealing a trap door right below Poor Man.
As Poor Man was falling, he shouted, “I REGRET NOTHING! Ow, seriously, gravel, isn’t that a bit harsh?”.
“You’re not very smart are you!?”, called Kid, “Heh, loser”.
“Can you at least make me some tea!?”, asked Poor Man.